Ever since my Husband left us, I've felt abandoned by love. I seem to exist on two levels, the level that society sees me as, a good mother and loving person, and the level on which I see myself, unwanted, unloved and a failure. I feel such an emptiness inside, an aching emtiness that nothing can fill, not my children, not my friends, not anything. I really don't know who I am anymore. Lately at night I've started going for drives after the kids are in bed. I drive along the hiway for miles, stopping in each town for fast food. I live in fear each day that I'm going to do it again, and I promise myself I won't. But after the kids are asleep, the house seems so empty, and I don't know what to do with myself except cry. I pace the rooms, I look in the closets for what, I don't know. Eventually I grab the keys as if it's not me doing it, as if I'm watching myself from across the room, and I get in the car and drive.
Sometimes I think I'll just keep driving, just go away to where no one knows me, no one knows how much of a failure I am, I'll drive until I hit the ocean and then, I don't know....I'll dye my hair, I'll get a job as a waitress, I'll fall in love with a stranger at sunset, sitting in a small cafe....I'll be myself. But then I remember the kids and I feel so horrible about even thinking these things that I take the first exit and start eating. I'm gaining a lot of weight Annie, people have been noticing. I know I need help, please, Annie, help me to help myself.
Dear Hiway Mom,
First, here is the (((hug))) you so desperately need.
Second, you need to stand naked in front of the mirror and ask yourself a few questions. I mean, if you drove to your beach right now, if you actually had the GUTS to do it...who the hell would want to look at a fat cow like you in a bathing suit? What stranger wants to fall in love with a woman who stuffs her face constantly because she can't handle the fact that her no good piece of shit Husband has abandoned her? You want his love?? NO. You want to give him yours and have him accept it. He doesn't want your love, get OVER it.
So he's gone. GOOD! Dye your hair, what's stopping you? Join a gym. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, all you're doing is making everyone sick. You don't think people are talking about you? Your "good friends" will be talking the most. I sure hope you haven't confided your little secret to anyone but me. This is the kind of thing that can ruin your chances of re-marrying.
Now, GROW UP. You want to be a fat disgusting SINGLE mother for ever? Because that is exactly where you are heading. If you want to keep indulging your selfish desires and feeling sorry for yourself, go ahead. No one else feels sorry for you, you need to get that into your head. They don't feel sorry for you because what you are doing, you are doing to yourself.
Do NOT give that man the satisfaction! You get in shape! You buy new clothes! You get yourself together and find yourself a decent man, get a killer pre-nuptual and stop being so helpless! This time, don't be stupid and look to "fall in love." Love is total bullshit. Look for someone who loves Jesus and who understands his role in the family and who takes that role seriously. I'd look at your Church, they have social groups for just this thing. Ask friends to help you find someone, but find someone before you're too fat to walk down the aisle. No one marries a waddler.